


The more things change, the more they stay the same

by killerweasel



Series: Even Angels Fall [4]
Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-06
Updated: 2013-03-06
Packaged: 2017-12-04 13:22:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/711214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killerweasel/pseuds/killerweasel





	The more things change, the more they stay the same

Title: The more things change, the more they stay the same  
Fandom: Angel  
Characters: Lindsey McDonald/Angel  
Word Count: 2,530  
Rating: R  
A/N: This is AU after _Reprise_.

I looked up from my drink and smiled. He’d actually come. Grabbing the whiskey, I got up and walked to the other side of the room. When he turned his head, I could see the scar that the nun had left. It stood out against his pale flesh. “It’s been a long time, Angel.”

A flash of guilt crossed his face when he saw me. It wasn’t there for long, but that confirmed that his soul was still in place. “Come on, Gregory’s letting me use his poker room so we can have a quiet place to talk.”

“You’re looking good, Lindsey. I like the hair.” His fingers came up and trailed through the strands, making me lean a little into his touch.

When we got inside of the room, I turned on the lights and locked the door. Then I sprawled myself onto one of the couches and he sat down next to me. “I haven’t seen any massacres in the news lately, so you must be behaving yourself.”

“Too many damn slayers around now, a guy has to be extra careful. Your old friends; they’ve thrown the balance off. Had to be a reason for only one slayer at a time and now there are hundreds.” I sighed. “And I didn’t even know what a slayer felt like until I found one trying to cut my damn head off.”

I turned my bad arm so he could see the long scar that ran up towards my shoulder. “It’s a damn good thing she missed. They might have slayer powers, but they don’t have the proper training. It must be the lack of Watchers or some shit.”

“Did you kill her?”

His tone made me scowl and I took a long pull from the bottle instead of answering right away. “She was trying to _kill_ me. And I’d lost a lot of blood by that point. What the fuck was I supposed to do, just lie down on the ground and let her finish me off?”

My fingers tightened on the bottle until I heard it start to crack under the pressure. Angel’s hand came up, settling on my shoulder. “Calm down, Lindsey.”

I took a deep breath that I didn’t need and closed my eyes. “That was the closest thing to your blood I’d had in months. It was like liquid fire, burning a path to my stomach. She screamed for help even as my fangs sank into her throat. But no one came; no one ever comes for them.”

“She was just doing her job.”

“And I was doing mine. I don’t like other vampires in my fucking territory. I don’t play well with others and most of them knew that by now. But a new group had come in that week, causing more problems than were needed. That brought the slayers to my city. They got a few and when I’d recovered enough, I tracked the remaining ones down.”

I had another large gulp from the bottle. Took a hell of a lot to get me drunk now, but I still enjoyed the flavor. “See, I caught them one by one and I made them nice and weak. Then I took them to a little place in the middle of nowhere. See, the roof had been blown off years ago during a storm, so the sun always came pouring in. I pinned them to the ground and sat back to watch them burn.”

He was staring at me now and the expression on his face was a mix between fascination and horror. “We don’t go up quite as quickly as I expected. The way I had them lined up, they could all see one another, but they couldn’t move. They couldn’t do a fucking thing, other than watch their buddies get nice and crispy.”

Angel took the bottle from my hand and drank from it. “When was this?”

“It was probably six months ago. I couldn’t stay after that, those morons that think they’re Watchers set up a little base and I left. Place is too close to a damn Hellmouth anyway.”

“You must be talking about Cleveland.”

“That’s the one, though there are others. Wolfram and Hart is a fountain of information, Angel. But I guess you already know that, don’t you?”

He actually looked away from me. “Hey, I don’t give a flying fuck if you and your buddies want to work for team evil. Go for it. I bet the firm loves having you there. I’d just watch my back if I were you. They wanted you evil for a reason, never forget that.”

Reaching out, I tilted his face until I could see the scar. I traced it gently with the tip of my finger, making him close his eyes. “I really thought that bitch had taken your eye out that night. She came damn close.”

Angel made a rumbling noise in his chest and I smiled. “I like the scar though, it gives you character. You don’t have a whole lot of them and eventually that one will fade too.” Sliding my hand back, I tangled it in his hair and tugged him over for a kiss. “Missed you more than I thought I would.”

“I’m not him, Lindsey.”

“Bullshit. That’s utter bullshit. I’ve been fucked by both of you and you do it the exact same way. You kiss the same and you move the same. The only difference is you keep your darkness on the inside where it bottles up until you explode and his is out where the entire world can see.”

I thought he was either going to hit me or run from the room. “You know I’m telling the truth. It’s part of who you are, no matter how far down you shove it. You’re two halves of the same whole. How many Elvis impersonators did he kill in Vegas?”

“Twenty-two, well twenty-eight if you count the little people.”

“See? If you weren’t him, you wouldn’t know that. And I don’t count the little people. That was cheating.”

“Cheating? They were dressed up like Elvis and that made them fair game.”

I snorted. “When’s the last time you drank from anyone, Angel? When’s the last time you not only felt someone’s life slipping away, but you could taste the change in their blood? You might have a soul, but that’s no reason to deny who and what you are. Vampires feed, that’s part of what we do. We don’t go into fucking butcher shops and pick up a bag of pig. That shit’s nasty.”

“Actually otter is…”

“Fuck the otter. You don’t want to kill people, fine. No one ever said you had to drain someone to drink from them. There’s a little thing called self control that comes into play.”

“Lindsey...”

“Don’t ‘Lindsey’ me. I know what I’m talking about. There have been times when I couldn’t leave bodies around, so I only took what I needed. It’s not hard to do, Angel.”

I hadn’t even realized I was up and pacing until he stepped into my way and put his hand on my chest. “You think you’re better than the rest of us, don’t you? You’re sitting all high and mighty in your necro-glass tower back in L.A. with your shiny soul and all that power at your fingertips and you aren’t doing jack shit!”

He hit me and I felt my face shift as I tackled him to the floor. We exchanged blows and finally came to a stop when he pinned my body to the floor. I bucked underneath him, but he wouldn’t move. “What the fuck is your problem, Lindsey?”

“You. My problem is you. I don’t know what you think you’re doing in that place, but you’re going to fuck everything up and then I won’t have anyone.”

I guess what I said must have thrown him because his grip loosened enough for me to roll us over. “They’re going to kill you. It’ll happen slowly and by the time you realize what’s going on, you’ll be down a couple of people and the rest won’t be able to get away unscarred.”

“How do you know?” It came out as a very low whisper, but I still heard it.

“How long did I work there, Angel? I bled for that place. I sacrificed just about everything I had to move up in the ranks. Most of all, I listened to what was going on around me. You’re very special to them, always have been. You play a big part in their fucking Apocalypse. And that one has a big ‘A’. It’s coming soon; hell it’s probably already started.”

I shuddered. At least I wouldn’t be in L.A. when it happened. “Think about it. You suddenly have a massive influx of slayers to battle an army of super vampires. Angel, they won too easily. Wolfram and Hart helped them win. Why would the firm do something like that?”

“They didn’t want their own plan ruined.”

“Give the vampire a cigar. I might not go back to L.A., but I pay attention to what’s going on back there. The balance is shifted, the firm just needs to give it one really good shove and they can turn the entire thing around. When it happens, all hell is going to break loose.”

It wouldn’t happen without him though. I got off of him and picked up the whiskey bottle, draining the last of the contents. “You should go. The sun will be up soon and I need to get home.”

I was almost to the door when he grabbed my arm. “Lindsey, you can’t just drop all this shit on my head and walk away.”

Jerking out of his grip, I glared at him. “Why can’t I? I’m not going back with you and I’m not a part of your life now. You’ve got your friends, your law firm, and everything else that comes with it. You don’t need me.” Not like Angelus had needed me.

“I’m not getting into this with you here. If you want to talk about it, I’ll come with you to your place. I’m not leaving things like this.”

\---

“This is a nice place.”

“I had money in accounts the firm didn’t know about before I died. I’d planned on using it to start over if I ever left. I couldn’t get my hand on that necro-glass though.”

He followed me into the den and I sat down, kicked my boots off, and propped my feet up. “You want to tell me why you’re so damn upset?”

“Not really, but I know you’re just going to give me that damn look until I answer the question.” I grabbed the closet bottle of whiskey and had some before sliding it across the coffee table to him.

Sitting back, I looked at him for a moment. “You really want to know?”

Angel nodded. “I tell you I missed you and you don’t say shit. I haven’t seen you in over a year, haven’t touched you, and the only time I ever hear from you is when I’m the one who makes a call. What the fuck, Angel?”

“I’ve been busy.”

My jaw dropped. For just about the first time in my life, undead or otherwise, someone had actually made me speechless. He’d been busy? _Busy_? With a snarl, I leapt over the coffee table and landed on top of him. I heard myself yelling something, but it didn’t make any sense. My fist slammed into his body and no matter how hard he was trying to push me away, I clung tighter with my legs.

The whiskey bottle smashed into my head, knocking me loose. I hit the floor and decided to stay exactly where I was. Angel crouched down in front of me and grabbed my throat. “I should have said that better. But if you come at me again Lindsey, I’m going to break your damn hand.”

He wiped at the blood and whiskey on my face and brought his finger to his mouth. I groaned softly as he sucked it clean. “You’re the one who left me, or don’t you remember that? I asked you to stay and you ran.”

Once he let go of me, I sat up. My head hurt and I was willing to bet there was glass stuck in it. “I didn’t run. Your friends, they didn’t like me while I was alive, they sure as hell wouldn’t have liked me once I was a vampire. Do they even know Angelus turned me?”

“I haven’t told them.”

Anger started to rise up inside of me and I had to fight to keep from attacking him again. “So what, I’m your dirty little secret?” I hated the way my voice sounded. My body was starting to shake. If the sun wasn’t up, I’d get in my car and get the hell away from him.

“You should have heard them when they came to get me. ‘You didn’t do all of those terrible things. You didn’t butcher those people, you didn’t kill those nuns, you didn’t rape and murder your way across the country. That was all Angelus. We know you’re still a good person.’” He laughed and it sent a chill down my spine.

“They’re wrong. I’m not a person and I’m a long way from being good. Everyone I killed, everyone I hurt, they’re in here, screaming at me. I can’t make them stop, Lindsey. How could I tell my friends what I did to you, what we did together? They’d hate me.”

I moved closer to where he was. When I reached my hand out, Angel flinched away before shifting his body so it was against mine. “I used to say the same thing to Darla when I’d come home from work. She wanted to know why I took such long showers and I said that I could never get clean. The things we do, they stay with us forever. And for a vampire, forever is a very long time.”

He buried his face into my neck. “You could have killed him, Lindsey. Why didn’t you?”

My fingers moved through his hair gently. “He needed me. Even after I’d hurt Angelus, he still needed me. Darla might not have wanted me the way I wanted her, but she still needed my help, needed me to take care of her. I’d been helping people my entire life, I guess part of it carried over when I died. I like being needed.”

Angel murmured something, but it was muffled against my skin. “What?”

He pulled away, cupping my face with his hand. “I said I need you, Lindsey. You’re the only one who sees me for who I really am.”

I leaned in, kissing him. It was soft at first and slowly deepened. I could taste my blood and whiskey on his tongue. After I pulled away, I gave him a small smile. “I want you to get the glass out of my head and then you’re going to show me exactly how much you need me.”

“I think I can do that.”


End file.
